That's When I Knew
I didn't have the "over-the-moon", butterflies in my stomach, tingling sensations, electric kisses that every book says that I should have.
When Cade was born, I didn't instantly feel a "connection". I didn't gaze into this newborn's eyes and feel an overwhelming sense of love. I didn't feel like being a mother was the best job in the world. Honestly, Cade's first 6 weeks of life were really hard for me. I really struggled with feelings on inadequacy because I wasn't loving the motherhood role as much as I should have.
**I remember telling Aaron that it was easy for the prophet to tell mothers that they should stay at home. They never had to worry about having to do it. They gave themselves the easy job.
**I am still working on believing that being at home is the best place for me. Its hard for me to accept. It's boring around here most of the time, especially since its so hot outside. And I get tired of reading the same books over and over and over again. And mediating the same fights over and over and over again. And trying to decide what to feed them for lunch over and over and over again. And changing diapers over and over and over again. And the sad part is, I know it's all because of my attitude and selfishness. Thankfully I was able to have one moment of knowing that at home was where I was supposed to be when I read, "Daughters in my Kingdom". One of the quotes says that we as women engender and enrich life, and to not throw away that responsibility for surface trinkets. Ouch. Because I knew then that deep down the only reason I wanted a job was for surface trinkets. Get a house faster. More money for clothes, shoes, etc.
I thought I was a horrible mother & wife because I didn't LOVE my husband and child.
And then I had a moment. One where I remembered that I knew I loved my family (mom, dad, brother, sisters), but I wasn't always feeling this love for them all the time. And that's how it would be with my son and husband. There would be moments of inexpressible love, but most...well, they were going to be pretty ordinary.
I got to have one of those moments of love with each of my sons a couple of nights ago. Jackson woke up in the middle of the night just screaming. A scared cry. I rocked him and sang some songs and just felt this deep warmth in my chest as I stroked his hair and rubbed his cheek and back. The very next night, Cade woke up crying, "Mommy! Mommy! Mama!"
**I love that he can specifically request me now. And, what's even better, is that he always wants Daddy to take him to the potty so he can go number 2. And then, he (Cade) says in a really low voice, "I poop a DADDDDYYYY poo poo!" Hahaha
I picked Cade up and did the same thing I did for Jackson the night before. Rocked. Sang. Rubbed. And again, a deep warmth through my heart. Knowing that this little baby was mine. Knowing where his legs and feet had been when he was just born, and seeing how long they were getting. Realizing that I won't always be able to rock a bye, and making that time that much more precious and sweet.
I'm thankful for the moments of knowledge to remember when I'm struggling through the hours of doubt.