Mountains to Climb

A couple days ago for our scripture study, Aaron & I were reading "Mountains to Climb" by President Eyring

*we read the Ensign conference talks on even days, E=even, and the Book of Mormon on odd days (there's O in all three words, O=odd).  We also trade off who says prayers that way.  There's an "e" in my name, so I get even days, and an "o" in Aaron's name so he gets odd.  I like that way of doing it, because on days 31 and 1...hahaha.

Back to the actual subject

The first three paragraphs really floored me, and I can't condense them for you at all, so you get to read all three

"I heard President Spencer W. Kimball, in a session of conference, ask that God would give him mountains to climb. He said: “There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”

My heart was stirred, knowing, as I did, some of the challenges and adversity he had already faced. I felt a desire to be more like him, a valiant servant of God. So one night I prayed for a test to prove my courage. I can remember it vividly. In the evening I knelt in my bedroom with a faith that seemed almost to fill my heart to bursting.

Within a day or two my prayer was answered. The hardest trial of my life surprised and humbled me. It provided me a twofold lesson. First, I had clear proof that God heard and answered my prayer of faith. But second, I began a tutorial that still goes on to learn about why I felt with such confidence that night that a great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost."

That morning, as I knelt down to say my own prayers, I started wondering, "Am I ready to pray for a trial?  And am I ready for it to be the hardest trial of my life?"

Honestly?  No.

I thought at first that it was because I didn't have enough courage.  I told myself that I had the faith in God, but just not the courage.  

But as the day progressed, I realized it really was a lack of faith.  I didn't believe my Heavenly Father when he says that "a great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost".  All I could think about is what I had to lose.  

It scared me.  

Because I did pray for it.  Last night.

And then I was up all night, imagining the worst things in the world that could happen to me.  And then trying not to imagine them because I didn't want to give Him ideas.  And then I felt terrible and prayed and said I take it back!  I'm not ready!  I'm not President Eyring material!  

Here's the thing though.  I want to want to become better (yes, read that several times, and then it will make sense), and I know that trials are an effective way of teaching us.  And I know in my head, that my Heavenly Father is right outside the door, and would not require me to go through any trial that I didn't need to go through.  

But my heart doesn't.  

And that's the hard part, the merging of the two (or as I like to call them, the boy part of you and the girl part of you.  Boy part=logical, rational.  Girl part=illogical and emotional.  Both parts=necessary to be a human being.)