I was ready for him to go to bed. I was done.
He on the other hand, had other plans.
No matter what I did I could not get him to stay in his bed.
Throttling was my next option.
He was crying. Angry. Upset.
I was not crying, but was also angry and upset.
I had lost control, over something really trivial.
Aaron comes in, spends 10 minutes calming him down, singing songs and voila, Cade stays in his bed.
I felt so ashamed.
I have become who I swore I would never be. My dad.
**Now, don't get me wrong, my dad is a good man, but he didn't always parent in the most patient way possible. We all have flaws, and I'm going to tell my children:
"Condemn me not because of mine imperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.
But I didn't want to be like him. I yelled at him that when I was a mom, I was never EVER going to do what he did to me.
And here I was, doing it.
I cried. And told Aaron. Cried some more.
I don't want Cade to have the same feelings about me that I have about my dad. I want him to love me. And already we've had many clashes. Because we're so much alike. Both of us are stubborn. Really stubborn. And very much, my way or the highway. We like things done our way. We're bossy. And demanding.
But I still don't want to clash. I want him to love me, not just because I'm his mom, but because I'm a person he wants to be like.
I went into his bedroom after I'd had that realization. If I don't want a strained relationship with him, I need to start mending fences, ASAP.
He was sleeping. I woke him up and just cried. Told him I was sorry. Asked if we could still be friends.
He smiled. Smiled while I told him he was sorry. I asked him if he still loved me.
"Yay Mommy."
Sometimes I'm grateful he's only 2. They're much more forgiving that way.
3 comments:
Chelle I'm already having battles with my 8 month old! Last night I lost it a few times trying to force him to go to sleep! All he wanted was to drive in the car for less than a minute, inconvenient yet simple. This morning once again he refused to go down for a nap until I cuddled him, bounced him and held him till he was falling asleep. Afterwards I askd myself why it was so hard to not get frustrated and loose it? And I realized I have some major control issues. I also realized I cannot take control away from my son no matter what I do. So why do I try to keep control over and over again to the point that I'm bout to yell and toss the baby out the window?
I think every parent experiences this to a certain degree. I think it's Heavenly Fathers plan for parenting. To teach us patience, love, and how to submit to another's will a bit. And as hard as it is to see our parents flaws manifest in ourselves, It reminds us we all make mistakes and are learning. It humbles us to the point of change and motivates us to learn from our mistakes and maybe even seek advice from our parents. So remember you are not a horrible mother!
The good news is, that you get to build patience along the way! Try not to be too hard on yourself. You may be a parent, but your not perfect yet. You're still learning how to be the best parent you can be. You'll get there! You've got this!
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