Uncomfortable Situations

I've being trying to stretch myself. 

**for instance, I organized a volleyball team for the Parks & Rec competitive league that starts in February.  Normally, I'm a wait and hope to get asked kind of gal.  This time, I put my destiny in my own hands.

 I finally conceded that Aaron had a point with making all of our purchases with cash so that we could cut out unnecessary spending and save even more for a house. 

**except I totally forgot the cash at home when I went grocery shopping today.  Oops.  
 
Lots of ideas have been filling my mind lately.  I finished a little dress for a friend's baby shower that's coming up and thought, "I'm getting pretty good at this." 

So I was brave, and asked a friend who has a successful Etsy business if she would sponsor some of the dresses that I made. 

And guess what?

She wasn't scary or mean or anything. 

**I had to take several breaths before I could read the message.  This is one of my foolish tendencies.  I'll send an email, or a text to someone asking them something and then I'm scared to read it to find out the answer.  It sits there for several days, until I convince Aaron to read it for me and tell me what it says.

So I've got my dress patterns and I'm ready to go. 

**except, I've been looking at fabric, and yikes!  It's expensive.  If your dress only uses 1 yard of fabric, then the cute $10.00 a yard fabric is fine, but when you get into 5 yards +, along with time/labor and supplies, no wonder all the cute dresses on Etsy are $90.00. 

So we'll see how that goes. 

Potty Train?

Occasionally Jackson shows me that even with a limited vocabulary, one can still be funny.

Aaron took Cade & Jackson to the park on his day off (bless him), and Cade experienced a call of nature.

While he's peeing on the grass (I'm sorry!  He refuses to go in the potty if there's any possible way he can pee outside), Jackson comes up to them.

Lifting up his shirt, and patting his tummy, he yells, "PEE PEE!!"

Aaron looks at him and says, "Just go pee pee in your diaper, Jackson."

Jackson: "YAY!!!"

***

Cade and I were talking about his birthday and how it's coming up.  I told him that when he has his birthday, he will turn 3.

Cade looked at me, and said, "No Mommy.  My next habby burbay (happy birthday) my be 4!"

My Father's Child

Cade and I got into a fight a couple of nights ago.

I was ready for him to go to bed.  I was done.

He on the other hand, had other plans.

No matter what I did I could not get him to stay in his bed.

Throttling was my next option.

He was crying.  Angry.  Upset. 

I was not crying, but was also angry and upset. 

I had lost control, over something really trivial.

Aaron comes in, spends 10 minutes calming him down, singing songs and voila, Cade stays in his bed.

I felt so ashamed.

I have become who I swore I would never be.  My dad.

**Now, don't get me wrong, my dad is a good man, but he didn't always parent in the most patient way possible.  We all have flaws, and I'm going to tell my children:

"Condemn me not because of mine imperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.

Mormon 9:31

But I didn't want to be like him.  I yelled at him that when I was a mom, I was never EVER going to do what he did to me.  

And here I was, doing it.

I cried.  And told Aaron.  Cried some more.  

I don't want Cade to have the same feelings about me that I have about my dad.  I want him to love me.  And already we've had many clashes.  Because we're so much alike.  Both of us are stubborn.  Really stubborn.  And very much, my way or the highway.  We like things done our way.  We're bossy.  And demanding.  

But I still don't want to clash.  I want him to love me, not just because I'm his mom, but because I'm a person he wants to be like.  

I went into his bedroom after I'd had that realization.  If I don't want a strained relationship with him, I need to start mending fences, ASAP.  

He was sleeping.  I woke him up and just cried.  Told him I was sorry.  Asked if we could still be friends.

He smiled.  Smiled while I told him he was sorry.  I asked him if he still loved me.

"Yay Mommy."  

Sometimes I'm grateful he's only 2.  They're much more forgiving that way. 

Dollar Signs

Is it taboo to talk about money? 

**because even if it is, I'm going to do it anyway.  I have to get it out, or I'm going to go a little crazy.

I made the mistake of looking at house plans the other day.

I thought we were getting close to our goal.  I am so sick and tired of living in a basement apartment (that doesn't even have a kitchen) and feeling ashamed when people come by because I have two kids and am still "mooching" and don't have a house yet and all my friends do. 

Then I fall into the trap of "If only."  If only we hadn't had kids so early.  Then I could have worked too, and we could have had two salaries.  If only we'd graduated from college when the economy was still good.  If only I hadn't spent so much on clothes during college!

**however, I will admit to myself that if I had waited to have kids, then I wouldn't have gotten to hear Jackson sing "If you're happy and you know it shout hurray!"  He yells, "OO-RAYY!!!" at the top of his lungs.  But then, Cade reminds me that if I had waited to have kids, then I would have had to experience a complete meltdown because I wouldn't give him a whole entire pancake with Nutella on it, after he'd already left one pancake completely untouched.  

It's so hard to wait.  I'm frustrated and tired of it.  I am very much guilty of telling myself, "I'll be happy when..."

And I can't seem to stop it. 

Even though I know that I'm missing out on the happiness that is there, right now. 

And honestly, is God going to turn me away from heaven because I didn't live in a 4,000 square foot home that was featured in magazines every 6 months? 

Now that down payment looks so far away.  I'm thinking of becoming a medical transcriptionist, teaching violin or piano lessons, really dedicating myself to an Etsy shop, babysitting, writing a children's book, anything, to get us closer and out of here sooner.

Because I think it will make me happier.

Stupid money.

I guess I deserve this

I always used to judge people who were sick all the time.

Obviously they were not doing something right.

Until we became that family.

Seriously.

Since like November.

This time, Cade & I have been fighting the flu.

The genuine article.

**which apparently has very little to do with vomiting.  In fact, it's really not even a symptom.  You know its the flu versus a common cold if the fever comes on very suddenly and is higher than 101.  Plus muscle aches.

**poor Cade got up to 104.8.  I'd give him Tylenol and after it started working he would come out of his bedroom and say, "My feel happy now!"

If this is the universe's way of showing me that sometimes you are just sick no matter what you do, I promise I have learned my lesson.  Please keep us healthy until next year. 

Why?

In Relief Society today we talked about talents.

I love to sing.  Love it.  And in a choir, no big deal at all.  I can sing my little heart out.

By myself.  Not so much.  My voice always gets shaky and nervous.

I over think it.  Worry that people listening have this idea that I'm going to be amazing and then I'll disappoint them. 

I didn't use to be that way.  Singing in public was no big deal.  I knew I was good.  And I sang like I was.

I wish I could get that confidence back. 

**aren't you supposed to get more confident the older you get?  Hasn't happened for me yet, but then, neither has curing the acne problem.  The lies we are told. 

I'm singing in church in January.  My goal is not to worry about what people will think.  My goal is to bring the Spirit.  That is all. 

**at least, I'm trying to have that be all.  It's like when you bring a meal over for someone and you have to taste it first to make sure that they know you are a good cook, and then you spend WAY more time preparing their meal than you do for your family because again, one must impress. 

**Aunt Stephanie went back to BYU today.  When we pulled up to Grandma & Grandpa house, Cade said, "Oh, where'd a go Aunt Stephanie?"  We told him she went back to Utah.  He sighed, then said, "Aunt Stephanie go back Ukah.  My feel sad."

Cade-Isms

Mommy, my tummy sad now (translation, I'm hungry)

Oh Mommy!!  Tummy HAPPY now! (translation, I'm full)

Mommy, ready go Ukah, see No-woh Bomp-pa (I'm ready to go to Utah and see Noah and Grandpa)

Oh where'd a go Dah-Wow? (Where did Aunt Danielle go?)

I was going to write more, but it's really hard to write in two-year-old. 

Divine Signatures

Aaron has been reading the book by Gerald Lund called Divine Signatures.  

**for those of you who don't know about the book, it's basically a book about tender mercies.  Coincidences that happen that aren't coincidences, but expressions of God's love for us.

It's challenged me.  I want to see more of God's hand in my life.  To be grateful for it.

**I guess this is where writing a journal comes in handy.

I've thought often about how Aaron and I met.  All the different things that had to happen in order for us to meet.  He had to apply to BYU.  I had to live in Wyview.  He had to live in Wyview.  He had to leave for his mission 2 years late.  I had to go to BYU.  We had to be in the same ward (he almost moved out right after he got there).  He had to be the Elders Quorum President.  I had to be the Relief Society President.  He had to be born (his mom's water broke when she was 4 months pregnant with Aaron after she was in a car accident.  She was blessed that if she had faith, all would be well with her baby.  When the doctors did a second ultrasound, they found that the tear in the placenta had healed and had refilled with amniotic fluid and her body didn't go into labor).

No way is it coincidence.

But there are so many ifs, ands, and buts to all the divine signatures or tender mercies.  Many times, it hinges on one person doing or saying something.  Acting.

I went to the temple to celebrate mine and Aaron's 4th anniversary this weekend.  While we were heading up to the sealing room, I heard a baby crying.  I felt the entire time I was hearing this baby cry that I should get up and try to help.  I didn't.  I sat there (because it would have meant leaving the sealing room).  

I don't know what would have happened if I had gotten up.  Maybe the flustered temple worker was praying for help.  Or maybe the parents that their baby girl would be happy.  I don't know.  Maybe she would have screamed with me holding her anyway.  But I'm sad.  I'm sad that I might have missed the opportunity to help provide someone with a tender mercy.

 I'm going to try to do better.

us on December 30, 2008.  

the most recent family picture we have

**I realized this after posting, but Jackson's pants look like something from the Twilight Zone.