Desires To Improve

{this is sort of a musing type of post, reader beware}

Lately, I've been praying for the desire to improve.  I normally just go through life, without much worry about what I'm doing, or who I am becoming.  But, God doesn't work that way.  It's not okay if I just go through the motions, because, I know, and more importantly HE knows, that I am definitely a work in progress.

Ever since I was little, I have to listen to something in order to fall asleep.   My freshman year, I had such a hard time sleeping because I had a roommate other than my ever patient sister---until, one day, I discovered that I could sleep with my iPod in.  And I've been doing it ever since.

A couple of nights ago, I was listening to a book that I'd listened to before, (those are the best type to fall asleep to, because you don't stay awake to hear what happens) and I felt so guilty.  There was stuff in there I knew was not appropriate, but it had never bothered me before. 

I kept listening.

And kept feeling guilty.

And then, a thought bubble popped in my head.

"Rachelle, you've been praying to become better.  Do you really mean it, or are you just saying it to make yourself feel better?"

I went back and forth.  I told myself I already knew what had happened, I had already been soiled by hearing the book the first time, but I knew, deep down, that I would be embarrassed if my kids or Aaron heard it. 

I turned it off, (and it was hard!).

And now, I'm listening to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  Much less embarrassing.

I don't know.  Sometimes I wish that I was guilty of big sins, because I think I would feel more of a need for the Savior.  I think that's what President Packer says that some of us are tested by ease and luxury.  I will definitely raise my hand up on that one.  Even with the trials that I've gone through, I still would not trade places with some people that I know. 

So, prayer works....



....even when you don't want it to sometimes.