A Choice

 **I hope the way I've written this makes sense.  Its hard sometimes to write things down, because they sound so much better in your head and on paper it all comes out kind of "blah" and confusing.

Our other family picture from Tahoe. 

Long road trips make for interesting conversations.

On our trip up to Reno, Aaron asked me, "Rachelle?  Do you feel like you love Cade more than Jackson?  Because I sometimes do."

**Jackson, when/if you read this, I promise.  Your dad loves you just as much as Cade.  Always has.  He would die to save you and he would die to save Cade.  Keep reading.

I then told him that he'd been loving Cade longer than Jackson and spent more time with Cade, so it was easy to feel like he probably didn't love Jackson when he really did.

And then I wondered?  Do I really love my children equally? 

**I really worry about this.  The complexes my children could have because I favor one.  Or even appear to favor one.  I just have to remind myself that the Atonement can fix everything.  Even if I do my best, I will still screw my kids up.  Someone will have issues because of something I did.  I'm grateful that the Savior can fix them.

That night, I had a dream. 

**that sounds really Book of Mormony...

I was driving in our van, and Aaron was in front of me, in the 1995 Blue Dodge Caravan that I used to drive.  Yes, laugh now.  The minivan I drove in high school was a preview of my life to come.  At least I never started out cool. 

Aaron was with the kids and was going around a corner.  The car didn't quite make it.  I see the car, with my entire family in it, drive over the edge.  The front window was open and Cade goes flying out, into the water.  Jackson is strapped in his carseat as the van starts to sink.

I'm watching all of this.

And I'm frozen. 

Who do I save? 

Which one?

And then panic.  I can't pick!  Don't make me choose!  Tears.  Screaming.

**I made myself wake up before the dream continued.  I didn't want to know what would happen.

I was afraid to go to bed for the rest of the night.  I even prayed that I wouldn't have that dream again because it was so awful.  Gut-wrenching. 

A couple of days later I was telling Aaron about the dream and realized that, as scary as the dream had been, it was a tender mercy.  I had been wondering if I loved Cade more than Jackson or Jackson more than Cade.  That dream showed me that I didn't.  I couldn't even move while watching all of this unfold, even though my brain was already making plans for saving them.  To save Jackson I would have to hurry and get in the car before it fills with water and roll down a window before the force of the water is too great.  I just have to remember not to panic and breathe in water.  With Cade, I just have to dive in and find him.  Hopefully he remembers what I've tried to teach him and blows bubbles and tries to float on his back.  I've got at least 3 minutes, which is plenty of time if I don't panic.  I know CPR.  I can do this.  Even while I made plans, I knew I didn't have time to save both, and so my body didn't do anything.   I couldn't choose which child to save. 

Writing this down reminded me that I know I love a person when I imagine them dying and leaving me.  Whenever my parents left on dates and were even a couple minutes later than they told me they would be I knew they were dead.  That I was going to get a call and have to take care of my sisters and brother and bury my parents.  And then I would start to cry.  Same thing when Aaron's later than he tells me.  He's dead.  I know it. 

**Good thing his commute to work is 5 seconds. 

Witch-i-Witch-i-pah

I am finally home.  Just in time to head right back up to the Salt Lake area for another family get-together.

August has been nuts.

We've had the Olympics, then Reno (Hot August nights included), and a family reunion in Greer, Arizona.

Oh, and a visit to Tonopah.  Cade's favorite place.

**let me tell you something about Tonopah.  It has a place called the Crazy Clown motel.  With a clown out front. 

No joke.  He asks to go to Tonopah every day.  When we tell him not today, he says, "Tonopah!  Tomorrow!"

Except, he says it like this, "Witch-i-witch-i-pah.  Mahrrow!"

I die.

And when he says gummy bears, which is "Gully beer"

The best picture I have ever taken in my life. 

Tahoe is beautiful.  That is all.

Oh Jack Jack.  You had sand in places I didn't even know you had

 Thanks to Uncle Dale and Aunt Liane, nearly the whole McCombs family was able to get together at their pool.  We BBQed, swam, and had relay races.  I think the Olympics inspired all of us.  The only people we were missing were Jen & Cody and their baby girl Amelia (and we ran into them at a gas station in Tonopah), Lizz & Nick, and Tyler. 

Cade jumped off that diving board 100 times at least.  He LOVED it.

We love our Puddle Jumpers!

 Aaron's favorite part of Hot August nights was racing the Corvette.  Chevy & Ford brought down some Mustangs, Corvettes, Camaros, and Ford's new Focus.

**which was pretty impressive for a Focus.  Aaron's car that we just sold was a focus, and we didn't name it Patsy for nothing.

If you wanted, you could drive the Corvette or Camaro down the track and then ride with a professional driver.  I didn't feel very confident that I wouldn't wreck the $100,000 car, so I just opted to let someone else drive me instead.  And I got a free shirt. 

We saw some drag racing and watched other cars parade around.  I took pictures of the paint jobs that I thought were the coolest.  I did get yelled at by an old man for touching the paint job on his car.  I couldn't help it.  It looked so silky. 

Messy Messy

This is what happens when Daddy lets Jack Jack eat yogurt all by himself.

**and he let Mommy clean up the mess.  Something about having to go to work.

Finding Nemo

This is how my life feels now.

"It's like he's trying to speak to me I know it!"

Cade will talk and talk and talk.  I only understand about half of what he's saying.

My problem is, he talks and talks and talks and expects me to repeat back the thing that he's saying.

**when I babysat, I could get away with "Oh!  Really? Uh huh."

Not with this child.

Too bad he didn't come with a translator, because "Mommy!!  Moke ear!!" really means "Mommy!  There was smoke in the air from the fire!" 

I just took me all day to figure it out.