Fulfilling

I talked about how motherhood was still is a hard role for me here

I think its hard to believe you're a good mother/person when you know exactly what you yourself are thinking.  To others, who only see the outward reflection of you, you may seem like the perfect person.  But when you know what you're thinking...

It's a struggle for me.  It's hard to wake up in the morning to a baby banging and rattling his crib (thanks Jackson) when I feel like I just laid down.  It's hard to think of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, and to add on top of that I have to make sure they're healthy.  Its hard to play the same games over and over and over, or read the same stories over and over and over when I can think of much more enjoyable ways for me to waste my time. 

And I KNOW that I struggle with it.  When Cade was born and I was experiencing the weirdness that happens when your hormones are settling (at least I hope that's what it was, because I've never had thoughts like that before) I would tell myself that if I loved my baby, or if I was a good mother, I wouldn't feel a certain way.  I wouldn't want him to go back inside or I wouldn't want to have my old life back.  I would be shouting from the rooftops that I love being a mother and its the best job ever and that's the way that I should feel inside if I was a good mother.  Because I didn't, I wasn't.  Other people could see me and saw the outward appearances, and to all outward appearances I was being unselfish, giving, and attentive.  But the inside part of me was rebelling and didn't want to be that way.  I knew that. 

When Cade was about 3 weeks old, a girl in our ward stopped by my apartment.  She had just had a baby two months ago and saw me walking with Cade in our stroller.  She asked how I was doing and I gave all the right answers.  Fine.  I love being a mom.  Greatest thing ever. 

She was inspired and saw right through that.

**what was weird is that I had never considered us especially close or even really talked to her (being in Primary kind of isolates you)

She came over with her baby and just started talking.  With her being over there I felt a little bit more comfortable to tell her exactly how I was feeling.

You could have picked my jaw off the floor when she said that she had felt/still feels the same things.

**my friend Annie said that she doesn't think any of us ever have one original thought.  I personally think the only ones who do are millionaires.

The relief I felt was amazing.  I know that other people felt the same way I did.  I was okay.  I was doing okay.  Even with the insight though, it was still hard.  But I was less hard on myself.  And that made all the difference.

Yesterday, I took Cade and Jackson to the pool.  We were swimming around and Jackson was floating on his back going "Ahhh....."  Cade swam up to me and grabbed my arm and started making "Ahhh" sounds along with Jackson.  And I felt it.  Fulfillment.  Joy that these children were mine.  Love for them.  Happiness.  Gratitude. 

And then someone splashed water in someone's face and the good feeling was gone.

My little "babushka".  Blackmail pictures.

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey . . . delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." [Jenkins Lloyd Jones]