A Choice

 **I hope the way I've written this makes sense.  Its hard sometimes to write things down, because they sound so much better in your head and on paper it all comes out kind of "blah" and confusing.

Our other family picture from Tahoe. 

Long road trips make for interesting conversations.

On our trip up to Reno, Aaron asked me, "Rachelle?  Do you feel like you love Cade more than Jackson?  Because I sometimes do."

**Jackson, when/if you read this, I promise.  Your dad loves you just as much as Cade.  Always has.  He would die to save you and he would die to save Cade.  Keep reading.

I then told him that he'd been loving Cade longer than Jackson and spent more time with Cade, so it was easy to feel like he probably didn't love Jackson when he really did.

And then I wondered?  Do I really love my children equally? 

**I really worry about this.  The complexes my children could have because I favor one.  Or even appear to favor one.  I just have to remind myself that the Atonement can fix everything.  Even if I do my best, I will still screw my kids up.  Someone will have issues because of something I did.  I'm grateful that the Savior can fix them.

That night, I had a dream. 

**that sounds really Book of Mormony...

I was driving in our van, and Aaron was in front of me, in the 1995 Blue Dodge Caravan that I used to drive.  Yes, laugh now.  The minivan I drove in high school was a preview of my life to come.  At least I never started out cool. 

Aaron was with the kids and was going around a corner.  The car didn't quite make it.  I see the car, with my entire family in it, drive over the edge.  The front window was open and Cade goes flying out, into the water.  Jackson is strapped in his carseat as the van starts to sink.

I'm watching all of this.

And I'm frozen. 

Who do I save? 

Which one?

And then panic.  I can't pick!  Don't make me choose!  Tears.  Screaming.

**I made myself wake up before the dream continued.  I didn't want to know what would happen.

I was afraid to go to bed for the rest of the night.  I even prayed that I wouldn't have that dream again because it was so awful.  Gut-wrenching. 

A couple of days later I was telling Aaron about the dream and realized that, as scary as the dream had been, it was a tender mercy.  I had been wondering if I loved Cade more than Jackson or Jackson more than Cade.  That dream showed me that I didn't.  I couldn't even move while watching all of this unfold, even though my brain was already making plans for saving them.  To save Jackson I would have to hurry and get in the car before it fills with water and roll down a window before the force of the water is too great.  I just have to remember not to panic and breathe in water.  With Cade, I just have to dive in and find him.  Hopefully he remembers what I've tried to teach him and blows bubbles and tries to float on his back.  I've got at least 3 minutes, which is plenty of time if I don't panic.  I know CPR.  I can do this.  Even while I made plans, I knew I didn't have time to save both, and so my body didn't do anything.   I couldn't choose which child to save. 

Writing this down reminded me that I know I love a person when I imagine them dying and leaving me.  Whenever my parents left on dates and were even a couple minutes later than they told me they would be I knew they were dead.  That I was going to get a call and have to take care of my sisters and brother and bury my parents.  And then I would start to cry.  Same thing when Aaron's later than he tells me.  He's dead.  I know it. 

**Good thing his commute to work is 5 seconds.