Dollar Signs

Is it taboo to talk about money? 

**because even if it is, I'm going to do it anyway.  I have to get it out, or I'm going to go a little crazy.

I made the mistake of looking at house plans the other day.

I thought we were getting close to our goal.  I am so sick and tired of living in a basement apartment (that doesn't even have a kitchen) and feeling ashamed when people come by because I have two kids and am still "mooching" and don't have a house yet and all my friends do. 

Then I fall into the trap of "If only."  If only we hadn't had kids so early.  Then I could have worked too, and we could have had two salaries.  If only we'd graduated from college when the economy was still good.  If only I hadn't spent so much on clothes during college!

**however, I will admit to myself that if I had waited to have kids, then I wouldn't have gotten to hear Jackson sing "If you're happy and you know it shout hurray!"  He yells, "OO-RAYY!!!" at the top of his lungs.  But then, Cade reminds me that if I had waited to have kids, then I would have had to experience a complete meltdown because I wouldn't give him a whole entire pancake with Nutella on it, after he'd already left one pancake completely untouched.  

It's so hard to wait.  I'm frustrated and tired of it.  I am very much guilty of telling myself, "I'll be happy when..."

And I can't seem to stop it. 

Even though I know that I'm missing out on the happiness that is there, right now. 

And honestly, is God going to turn me away from heaven because I didn't live in a 4,000 square foot home that was featured in magazines every 6 months? 

Now that down payment looks so far away.  I'm thinking of becoming a medical transcriptionist, teaching violin or piano lessons, really dedicating myself to an Etsy shop, babysitting, writing a children's book, anything, to get us closer and out of here sooner.

Because I think it will make me happier.

Stupid money.