7.27.2012

Broccoli

Yesterday we had broccoli

**now, broccoli is not my favorite thing.  It's easy to over cook or under cook and hard to get it just right.  When it's overcooked, it smells just like an old shoe and then it's mush.  Yuck.

Cade immediately started eating it.  Almost scarfing it.

My jaw dropped.

He finishes his last bite and goes, "Mommy!  Ice Cream!"


7.26.2012

WittleBee

Living far away from stores makes me do most of my shopping online

**this is kind of a bad thing.  Online shopping.  I can do it at all times of the day, rather than just when I can get to the store.

Anyhoo

A friend got some clothes from WittleBee and loved them.  I've always shopped at the Osh Kosh outlet in St. George because they let me combine coupons

**they do things like purchase a certain amount, get $10 off a $10 purchase.  My grandma and mom shop there too and always give me their $10 off coupons.  I used to be able to combine those along with a 25% off coupon, shop the clearance rack, and get steals.  I'm talking, brand new shirts for $1.00.   Pants for $3.00.  And they're not from Wal Mart.

Well, they've stopped doing that.  Bummer.  Big bummer, because kids clothes are expensive. 

I've tried going the second hand, but because I have two boys so close together (and let's face it, Jackson is almost as big as Cade) I need to have them start out new so that they'll last.  I've been impressed with the Osh Kosh quality too. 

But, I got sucked in.  WittleBee offered me 50% off my first box, making it only $20.  Plus, free shipping. 

Sorry Osh Kosh.  It's been nice knowing you.  Let me combine coupons again and I'll come back because I really do love your overalls.  Especially these ones.

7.25.2012

Apparently I'm More Judgmental

With all 3 males in my family eating at least one thing of yogurt a day, we go through them pretty quickly.

Cade was so sad this morning when he opened up the fridge and there was no more yogurt.  He had to make do with peaches and granola.  Poor kid.  I did feel sorry for him until he stole all of my granola.  Then, we were at war.

A trip to the grocery store was in order. 

**we're also teaching Jack Jack how to feed himself.  Yogurt is the perfect vessel.  It sticks to the spoon so he learns how to guide the spoon to his mouth without having to worry yet about the food falling off.

A trip to the grocery store to just get yogurt shouldn't be painful.  But it was.

Cade threw the mother of all tantrums.  I think he won an Oscar for it.  It was that good.

**I don't even know what the tantrum was about.  Usually I have some clue.

Now, because this tantrum was so big, I was in sort of a conundrum.  I can't put him in the cart in the seat, because Jackson is there.  And I have no hope of having Jackson walk calmly and quietly by me.  I can't put him in the basket, because there's yogurt in there.

**I've cleaned yogurt off of floors enough times to know that when yogurt is thrown, it shatters.

My only option was to hold/drag Cade while pushing the cart. 

I'm thinking to myself, "People are probably wondering why I'm just letting this kid scream and I'm not trying to stop it.  They're thinking I'm the most uncaring mother ever.  How could I just let my child cry like that?  Shouldn't I know better to not take them out in public when they're like that.  Why hasn't she taught him not to scream?"

All three checkout aisles were commenting on Cade's screaming.  All the cashiers and all the customers.  And then, one of them said, "I'm amazed how well you're handling this.  I'm proud of you for just ignoring him."

Jaw drop.

And then, everyone else started telling me what a good job I was doing in ignoring him and not responding, telling me that this is the only way he has to express himself, but if he doesn't get what he wants...yada yada yada.

**this was just a different reaction than I had imagined.  I guess that's why I was so surprised.

I guess its true that most of the times, what you're imagining other people are thinking, is really not what they're thinking.

**except when you meet old men at Wal-Mart.  They tell you exactly what they're thinking.

7.24.2012

Hearts

I slept in this morning.

**for our family reunion, we've been challenged to a 5K by my uncle who has gout.  I must beat him.  I must.

I justified it by telling myself that I would play volleyball today for 2 hours instead.  That would be my workout.

**I got more of a workout just swimming Cade back from the diving board.  Keeping someone else's head about the water along with yours with only one arm is hard work.

Now I'm listening to Cade learn about hearts and the sounds they make.  He lays his head against Aaron's chest going "Ba bump!  Ba bump!  Ba bump!"

**learning about hearts should be second nature to him.  I was pregnant with Cade during one of my anatomy and physiology classes.  I still remember having to wear this H.U.G.E. leather apron during the anatomy lab (with the cadavers) because my pregnant belly would stick out while I was trying to look at muscles and bones and get all wet...with...well...juices.

This article made me just "slightly" proud.   I can't wait for football season.  My dad always gets amazing tickets, and there's always one game he never goes to.  I'm totally calling them.  They put ice cream under your seat.  BYU Creamery ice cream.  Not to mention, the tent.  It's full of glorious things.  Chocolate fondue.  Fruit bars.  Popcorn.  Prime rib.  Yummo. 

7.23.2012

Reminded

I was reminded yesterday that not everyone has the same blessings that I do.

And that I need to be more grateful for them.

And appreciate what I have.

Rather than wishing for what I don't.

Because, sometimes, someone else wants to be just like me. 

Have what I have.

And they can't imagine what I could have to complain about, because I have:

A family.

A husband.

Children.

**Cade told me today, "I love Mommy!"  Made my heart melt a little inside.  And then he said it again and again and again.  I appreciate moments like that.  They make me feel like I'm doing okay at this whole parenting thing.  

A place to live.

A job.

Food in the fridge.

A working A/C**

**we don't right now.  Waiting until tomorrow so it can get fixed.  At least its only 90 out.

Faith.

Love.

So tonight, I am grateful.  Rather than wishing to be someone/something else.  Tonight I am happy that I am me.  That I am where I am.  That I am what I am, working on trying to be better, but still happy with who I am and what I'm becoming.

**sometimes, in an effort to share more feelings and thoughts, I tend to get a little negative.  But if my blog does get read by my children, I want them to also know how much I enjoyed and loved them as well. 

Aaron, Jackson, and I at Morgan's wedding, August 2011, Jackson still has all those delicious arm-rolls.


7.22.2012

Horrible

Our car is a Ford.  This means, it has a keypad on the outside that lets us type in a code and the doors either lock or unlock for us without keys.

**the brilliant thing about this is that I can leave the car running with my kids in it, but its still locked and I can get back in while I run to go check the mail.

**or so I thought.

Yesterday, I got a knock on the door.  It was a police officer.

He asked me if I'd been to the grocery store today.

**this is the same officer who found my wallet after I left it on top of my car at the gas station and drove off.  I thought the same thing had happened.

I told him yes.

He then asked me if I left my little boy in the car. 

Sick, horrible, feeling.

He then proceeds to tell me that I'm not allowed to do that and that's he's going to give me a citation and I'll have to go to court.

Cue more sick, horrible, feelings.  That terrible drop in the pit of your stomach.

I proceeded to tell him that I had left the car running and the doors were locked because of my wonderful keypad.  I didn't think that was the problem.  I thought the problem was parents leaving their kids in the car without it running.

**I feel sick and tears coming on just writing this.  Yuck.  Yuck.  Yuck.

He asked me for my drivers' license and then if I've ever been arrested.  I tell him no, and then he tells me he's going to go into his vehicle for a little while.  I just sat outside and sobbed. 

**my neighbor came out and asked me what was wrong.  I felt like such a dork.  I hate crying in front of people.  It's hard for me.  I'm not a crier by nature.

It felt like forever, but he finally came back, handed me back my license, and told me he wasn't going to give me a citation, that he thought I'd "learned my lesson".

**I think he felt bad, because the rest of the time he spent reassuring me that I was a good mom.  Hahahaha.  That was kind of awkward.

7.20.2012

Canvas and a Scare

Remember my $5.00 16 by 20 canvases?

I saw this tutorial floating around the blog world and tried it.  They turned out pretty good, but I don't recommend putting your wet canvas on top of wax paper.  The wax paper leaves weird indentations in the Mod Podge and they never really go away.


I didn't use scrapbook paper on the sides though, like the tutorial I used.  I painted the sides with the same paint I used to cover up any parts of the canvas the picture didn't cover.  I'm glad I decided to use charcoal gray paint instead of black.  It was one of those "brilliant moments" and I didn't even know it was brilliant until after I did it. 

**black & white is actually a misnomer in a way.  More technical would be shades of gray

They're now hanging up above our bed.  The reason you aren't seeing them there?  The walls in our bedroom are planked.  As in bad 70's basement planked.  Aaron told me, "If our walls weren't wood planks, I would like the pictures more I think."

 **I just realized that the couch they're on though is bad 70's floral couch.  Oh well.  I can't win.

**I had a tender mercy yesterday.  I went to the thrift store last Wednesday with my grandma and came home with a really cool old window (only 2 dolla) that I was going to re do and use.  Yesterday I got it out to take out some screws and left it kind of leaning on the table against the wall while I went up to switch the laundry.

I heard a giant CRASH and then screams.  My first reaction was panic.  I could picture the blood.  Everywhere.  Children gouged by giant pieces of glass.

Jackson was only 3 inches from the biggest piece.  Somehow, every single piece missed him and Cade.  Nothing.  No scratches, cuts, or anything.

I realized later that I had had a gentle nudging in my head when I went upstairs, "That window really isn't very sturdy.  I hope it doesn't fall."  I realize now that it was the Holy Ghost telling me my plan was stupid and to move the window.  I thought I was being smart by putting it up high out of children's way.  I'm grateful that they didn't have to pay for my lack of attentiveness.

Cade has been re-enacting the scene.  He'll point to the table, then to the floor, yell, "BOOM!!" and fall to the ground.

I still have plans for the window.  It's just not going to have glass anymore.


7.19.2012

Fulfilling

I talked about how motherhood was still is a hard role for me here

I think its hard to believe you're a good mother/person when you know exactly what you yourself are thinking.  To others, who only see the outward reflection of you, you may seem like the perfect person.  But when you know what you're thinking...

It's a struggle for me.  It's hard to wake up in the morning to a baby banging and rattling his crib (thanks Jackson) when I feel like I just laid down.  It's hard to think of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, and to add on top of that I have to make sure they're healthy.  Its hard to play the same games over and over and over, or read the same stories over and over and over when I can think of much more enjoyable ways for me to waste my time. 

And I KNOW that I struggle with it.  When Cade was born and I was experiencing the weirdness that happens when your hormones are settling (at least I hope that's what it was, because I've never had thoughts like that before) I would tell myself that if I loved my baby, or if I was a good mother, I wouldn't feel a certain way.  I wouldn't want him to go back inside or I wouldn't want to have my old life back.  I would be shouting from the rooftops that I love being a mother and its the best job ever and that's the way that I should feel inside if I was a good mother.  Because I didn't, I wasn't.  Other people could see me and saw the outward appearances, and to all outward appearances I was being unselfish, giving, and attentive.  But the inside part of me was rebelling and didn't want to be that way.  I knew that. 

When Cade was about 3 weeks old, a girl in our ward stopped by my apartment.  She had just had a baby two months ago and saw me walking with Cade in our stroller.  She asked how I was doing and I gave all the right answers.  Fine.  I love being a mom.  Greatest thing ever. 

She was inspired and saw right through that.

**what was weird is that I had never considered us especially close or even really talked to her (being in Primary kind of isolates you)

She came over with her baby and just started talking.  With her being over there I felt a little bit more comfortable to tell her exactly how I was feeling.

You could have picked my jaw off the floor when she said that she had felt/still feels the same things.

**my friend Annie said that she doesn't think any of us ever have one original thought.  I personally think the only ones who do are millionaires.

The relief I felt was amazing.  I know that other people felt the same way I did.  I was okay.  I was doing okay.  Even with the insight though, it was still hard.  But I was less hard on myself.  And that made all the difference.

Yesterday, I took Cade and Jackson to the pool.  We were swimming around and Jackson was floating on his back going "Ahhh....."  Cade swam up to me and grabbed my arm and started making "Ahhh" sounds along with Jackson.  And I felt it.  Fulfillment.  Joy that these children were mine.  Love for them.  Happiness.  Gratitude. 

And then someone splashed water in someone's face and the good feeling was gone.

My little "babushka".  Blackmail pictures.
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey . . . delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." [Jenkins Lloyd Jones]

7.18.2012

For Your Healthy Eating Pleasure

Crunchy Asian Salad

Not my salad.  I can't photograph something so pretty, but kind of similar in appearance
**I do not like cabbage.  I L.O.V.E.D. this salad.  It was divine. 

now, onto the ingredients

24 wonton wrappers
1/2 c rice vinegar
3 T peanut butter, of the creamy variety
3 T soy sauce
2 T oil
2 t sesame oil
2 T sugar
2 t fresh ginger, grated
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/4 t pepper
3 c each Napa Cabbage, Red Cabbage, and Romaine Lettuce
4 green onions
mandarin oranges

Cut the wonton wrappers into thin slices.  Spritz with cooking spray and bake at 400 degrees for 10-14 minutes until golden brown and crispy.  Combine remaining ingredients (except for the cabbages, lettuce, green onions, and mandarin oranges) and whisk until smooth.  Add dressing to cabbages and lettuce.  Toss well.  Top with crunchy wonton strips, green onions, and mandarin oranges. 

**You could add chicken marinated in teryaki or something and make this a meal.  Yummo.

Sidenote:  I took Jackson to the pediatrician yesterday for his well-baby check up.  Apparently, his head circumference is off the charts.  As in, so big that there's not even a percentile for him anymore. 

7.17.2012

Victim Syndrome

Aaron is reading this book

Step 1 or Habit 1, is what started our conversation on the way back from Hairspray

**it was 11:00 pm, way past my bedtime.  I'm surprised that a coherent conversation was still possible, let alone a "heartfelt conversation".

Step 1 is to be proactive.  To realize that we are a product of our choices, not a product of our circumstances.  Victor Frankl in his book, "Man's Search for Meaning" talks about learning that in the concentration camp during WWII.  His attitude toward his circumstances determined how he felt and reacted to them.

That was all nice and good until we started delving.

I know that so many times I blame how I feel based on someone else or something else.  I have issues with my body because my dad offered me money to lose weight, because my mom told me I shouldn't/couldn't eat something, because I never got asked on dates when I was fat, and because the media tells me that I should look a certain way.

But really, playing the victim, all it does is take the responsibility for change away from me, and put in right on someone else's shoulders.

**this is one of those things that is easy to realize, but hard to implement.  Maybe if I write it often enough, I'll actually want to change it.

**and then I struggle with not being sure if I really want to change it.  I guess I'm afraid that if I think I look good, I'll let myself go.  Like the negative attitude about myself is what keeps me from becoming what I'm afraid to become.

Then if I'm the victim, its no longer my fault that I am the way that I am.  Its A, B, C, D, all the way to Z.  And until A, B, C, D, etc change, then I don't have to do anything.  I can stay the way I am.

So when Aaron bothers me, or I lose my patience with Cade or Jackson, or when I'm angry or feeling fat, Stephen R. Covey and Victor Frankl and other smart people say that its because I'm choosing to be.

Dang it.



**I'm missing volleyball today to take Jackson in for his doctor's appointment.  I tried to reschedule, but the next available spot was in September.  People really need to stop seeing the same doctors that I do.
**Michaels had 2 16x20 canvases on sale for $5.00.  Score.

7.16.2012

Hairspray

My brother-in-law Gary won 4 tickets to Hairspray at Tuacahn on a radio show.  He and Kim invited Aaron and I to tag along.

**the funny thing is, to win the tickets you had to provide the correct word for the definition.  Gary called in 3 times, was put on the air 3 times, and finally guessed the right answer on the third try.

**the seats were amazing.  Middle row, right in the front.  Not bad for free.  Also, it didn't rain (like it was supposed to) and the temperature was fabulous (79). 


My review on the musical?  I liked it.  Tuacahn always does a good job on their musicals and anytime I watch one I always want to get up there and sing and dance too.  Hairspray isn't one of my favorites.  I saw the movie (with John Travolta) and it was okay.  I like the older musicals better, like Sound of Music, Camelot, Les Miserables, and West Side Story.  The newer ones feel too screechy and loud to me if that makes any sense. 

It was nice to get out and Aaron and I were able to talk on the way up and back.  I love talking in the car.  They can't escape from you, and it shuts out other distractions.  It seems to just open up the air for conversation. 



One day I will learn how to pose correctly.  I always make myself look wider.  The denim shirt isn't helping either.


This isn't the best picture of me, but I wanted you to see the yellow pants.  I made them.  Well, dyed them.  In the washing machine.  It was so easy. 

7.15.2012

The Wild Outdoors

The one weekend we decide to go camping is the weekend it rains.

Hard.

**when you're a kid, there's kind of an aura or a bubble around camping.  You go, have a great time, come home, shower, and sleep.  As a parent, you realize all the work that is involved in camping.  You must prepare for any contingency (and hopefully not forget jackets for yourself.  But its really hard to think you'll need jackets when its been over 115 at home), pack all your food, gear, clothes, toiletries, diapers, extra underwear...  And then coming home.  Oh the fun has just begun!  Especially when you're cleaning up after it rained.  Mud, mud, mud, and more mud. 

**I told Aaron I'm okay if the rest of the camping experiences our children have come from Scout Camp.  One's where I don't have to do anything.

Oh Jackson.  Its a good thing I love you.  Especially when you eat dirt.

Cade LOVED the fire.  (I totally claim the pyro side of his personality)  He was grabbing things out of the garbage to throw into the fire.


The way up the mountain, Cade would yell, "Ohhhhhh Die! Die! Die! Die!"  Then as we reached the top, he looks at me and yells, "Made it!"  Our next ascent began the same thing over again.  "Die!  Die! Die!" 

**My camera had been taking really fuzzy pictures lately, almost like a glowing sensation or halo effect.  I chalked it up to the fact that I was messing around with the buttons.  Yesterday, I asked Aaron to fix it.  He found a sticky fingerprint on the lens. 

7.13.2012

Irony

I was 15 and a half when my youngest sister Emilie was born.  My one and only brother Mitchell was 18 months older than her. 

I got asked all the time if they were mine. 

**this was traumatic for me as a 16-year-old

**it was even more traumatic for my mom.  That made her grandma.

In the past three weeks I have had several people tell me that I am too young to have children or ask if Cade & Jackson are mine.  When I tell them yes, I am their mother, and that I'm almost 25, their mouths drop.

"You can't be older than 16."


One old man who asked me if Cade was mine offered to give me his juice that he had just bought.  Slightly weirded out, I said no.


**Maybe writing this post was good for me.  I woke up this morning and ran 2 miles.  At 5:30 in the am.  And it was still.hot.  As in 90's hot.  Bleh.  I also made a green smoothie.  Baby steps. 


7.12.2012

Scared To Change

Have any of you ever experienced this?  Where you know you should change something about yourself?  But you're afraid.  Afraid of what you'll have to give up.  What you'll miss.  What you'll become?

Lately, this struggle has been about my diet.

I took lots of nutrition, physiology, and anatomy classes at BYU (my major was exercise science).  I KNOW what the people are saying about eating more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains is right, and that processed foods do little or nothing for you.  I also know that God has been saying the same thing for nearly 200 years.

But I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to clean out the pantry.  Toss the junk.

I like A, B, C, and D.  I don't want to have to not eat them again.  I don't want my kids to be the weirdos at school.  I don't want to be considered weird.

But I also don't want to have heart disease.  Cancer.  Poor bone strength.  I really believe that the increase in autism isn't from vaccinations, but from the chemicals in the food we eat.  Same with ADD, ADHD, and dyslexia.

**I am not saying that all of these disease are caused directly or because of food.  I understand that disease happens.  It will always happen.  But we can do more to prevent it.  Not just treat it.


It's funny.  I watch documentaries, get all gung-ho and then stop.  I don't do it.  I don't clean out my pantry and toss everything.  I don't buy more fruits and veggies.  I just sit there and wish I could do it.  I've built up in my mind how hard its going to be.  What a sacrifice.  Then I start to justify.  It's okay.  The FDA wouldn't approve it if it wasn't safe.  Thousands of people eat this and don't die.  I'm not sick. 

GAH!

**I came back and started writing more after a few hours, and already my desire to change has fizzled.  I've rationalized it away. 

7.11.2012

Pools Rats Never Grow Up

I was a lifeguard for 5 years. 

During that time, you get to know lots of small children.  Lots.

**When I was little and swimming at the pool, I would NEVER talk to the lifeguards.  Ever.  I was scared of them.  These kids.  No fear.  "Hey lifeguard!  Will you fix my goggles?  Hey lifeguard!  Tell him/her to stop splashing me.  Hey lifeguard!  Has anyone ever pulled a "Sandlot" on you?

My favorite pool rat was a girl named Brooklyn.  She called me black girl.  And my little sister Grandma.  Once, she tried to kidnap her (my little sister, Kim) by picking her up (she's tiny, like 100 lbs wet) and putting her in the basket in front of her bike.  But I was always grossed out when she would stick her feet up on the table and say, "LOOOOOK!  Fungus!"

Because its so hot here, swimming is about the only thing we can do outside.  I bought a pool pass for me and the kids and I head up to the pool almost every day.

**I need to get pictures of Cade & Jackson's tan lines.  Jackson has tan lines where his fat rolls are.  His arms are so squishy and chubby that there's white lines where his rolls are/

The same kids who used to come every.single.day when I was a lifeguard 4 years ago, are still there.  Just bigger.  But their moms aren't there anymore to complain that the high chlorine levels (which I could do nothing about) were giving their boys rashes...down there. 

 But now they play with my kids.  And tell me that they're so cute.  And ask them if they want to be airplanes.  And I kind of like them now. 

**Cade loves to float on his back.  Today he said, "Mommy!  Dee (that's how he says Cade) night-night!"


7.10.2012

No Fashion Sense

Today while I was getting Jackson dressed, I thought I'd try the new fashion craze...mixing patterns.

He wore red plaid shorts with a turquoise and white striped shirt.  We were mixing patterns, but keeping a common color scheme.  The red shorts also had turquoise.

**I play volleyball every Tuesdays and Fridays for 2 hours.  It keeps me sane.

First thing when we get there, two people ask me if Jackson picked out his clothes today.



Fail.



**I let them think he had.

7.09.2012

When It Just Gets Too Hard

My grandma, aunt, and I like to go to yard sales.  More often than not, it's just junk, but sometimes you find a treasure. 

We were supposed to go just this last Friday at 7:00 in the am.  I went to pick up my grandma and she was almost in tears.  Her water heater had broke last night and flooded their bedroom.  She told me that she wouldn't be able to come.

**my grandpa has Alzheimer's. 

I stayed and helped her clean up the water off the carpet.  She showered and my dad came and put in a new water heater. 

**we were able to go to the yard sale.  I found a really cool bird cage, but it wasn't $45 cool. 

Then she started talking about life.  How its hard.  How its hard to live with the man that you married and have him not be the same person.  And how its hard for him.  Because he knows that he's hard to take care of, and feels bad.

I could tell she just needed to vent.  Unload.  Get it off her chest.  To someone outside of the situation. 

I let her.

I think trials like that are difficult.  I know when I went through something similar (where someone I loved was sick and I couldn't fix it).  I needed to talk to someone.  But not the person who was sick.  How could I let them know that sometimes I wasn't strong enough for them?  Because of them?  No, I poured out my heart to my mom.  She listened.  Then I could go back and be there for that person.  Support.  Love.  Sympathize.  And when the emotions that I was feeling got to be too much for me, I unloaded again to close friends, my mother-in-law, or my mom. 

I'm grateful for friends.  For those who can be there to support when life gets hard.  Because sometimes you need someone to just listen.  Who can listen to what you say and not have it add to their burdens, but relieve yours. 


7.08.2012

Redneck Swimming





So your concrete pool may be deeper than ours, but it still does the same thing. 

**I bought Jackson some shoes after he started walking.  Somewhere between home and our way to Las Vegas, one shoe was lost.  Maybe it was thrown out of the car when we stopped to let Cade go pee pee on the rocks, or it's been sucked up to the universe by aliens.  Either way.  One shoe is gone.  Now he has to wear Cade's. 

7.06.2012

That's When I Knew

When I first got married I thought I'd made a huge mistake.

I didn't have the "over-the-moon", butterflies in my stomach, tingling sensations, electric kisses that every book says that I should have.

When Cade was born, I didn't instantly feel a "connection".  I didn't gaze into this newborn's eyes and feel an overwhelming sense of love.  I didn't feel like being a mother was the best job in the world.  Honestly, Cade's first 6 weeks of life were really hard for me.  I really struggled with feelings on inadequacy because I wasn't loving the motherhood role as much as I should have.

**I remember telling Aaron that it was easy for the prophet to tell mothers that they should stay at home.  They never had to worry about having to do it.  They gave themselves the easy job.

**I am still working on believing that being at home is the best place for me.  Its hard for me to accept.  It's boring around here most of the time, especially since its so hot outside.  And I get tired of reading the same books over and over and over again.  And mediating the same fights over and over and over again.  And trying to decide what to feed them for lunch over and over and over again.  And changing diapers over and over and over again.  And the sad part is, I know it's all because of my attitude and selfishness.   Thankfully I was able to have one moment of knowing that at home was where I was supposed to be when I read, "Daughters in my Kingdom".  One of the quotes says that we as women engender and enrich life, and to not throw away that responsibility for surface trinkets.  Ouch.  Because I knew then that deep down the only reason I wanted a job was for surface trinkets.  Get a house faster.  More money for clothes, shoes, etc.  

I thought I was a horrible mother & wife because I didn't LOVE my husband and child.

And then I had a moment.  One where I remembered that I knew I loved my family (mom, dad, brother, sisters), but I wasn't always feeling this love for them all the time.  And that's how it would be with my son and husband.  There would be moments of inexpressible love, but most...well, they were going to be pretty ordinary.

I got to have one of those moments of love with each of my sons a couple of nights ago.  Jackson woke up in the middle of the night just screaming.  A scared cry.  I rocked him and sang some songs and just felt this deep warmth in my chest as I stroked his hair and rubbed his cheek and back.  The very next night, Cade woke up crying, "Mommy!  Mommy!  Mama!"

**I love that he can specifically request me now.  And, what's even better, is that he always wants Daddy to take him to the potty so he can go number 2.  And then, he (Cade) says in a really low voice, "I poop a DADDDDYYYY poo poo!"  Hahaha

I picked Cade up and did the same thing I did for Jackson the night before.  Rocked.  Sang.  Rubbed.  And again, a deep warmth through my heart.  Knowing that this little baby was mine.  Knowing where his legs and feet had been when he was just born, and seeing how long they were getting.  Realizing that I won't always be able to rock a bye, and making that time that much more precious and sweet.

I'm thankful for the moments of knowledge to remember when I'm struggling through the hours of doubt.

7.05.2012

It was almost a repeat of

Cade's first birthday yesterday (where he cried and cried instead of eating his cake).  I had built up in my mind how much Cade would LOVE the fireworks...

**I really need to stop doing this.  Kids are kids.  They definitely have their own attitudes about things and I will never figure them out.

..and he H.A.T.E.D. them.  At our house.

We started off our Fourth by setting our own fireworks off.  I had put Cade and Jackson down for bed at normal bedtime and then woken them up when it was dark enough to celebrate.  We set off the first few fireworks and Cade freaks out. 

He asked to go back to sleep.  I'm not even kidding.  Went into his room, pointed at his bed and said, "Sleep!  Sleep!"

Our community's fireworks show was going to happen in 20 minutes.  Aaron was tired and didn't want to go.  Jackson was sleeping.  Cade was sleeping.  I was the only one who wanted to go.

Good thing Aaron's a nice guy.  We got the kids in the car and headed up to the fairgrounds, telling ourselves that if Cade still hated it and was scared that we would just go home.  On the way up, in the car, Cade could see the fireworks that other people were setting off.  He liked those.

Then we get out of the car.  And he hears the noise that accompanies said fireworks.  And again.  Trembling.  Tears.  No's. 

I held him and told him that the fireworks were just loud and noisy and we started talking about the different colors that there were.  And he started to relax.  By the end of the first song, he was in love. 

"Mommy!! Boom!  Boom!! Fireworks!  Blue! Orange! Pink! Green! Red!"

"GRANDMA!!! Fireworks!" 

When they were all over, he was so sad that there were no more. 

**Jackson was rather indifferent.  He actually tried to go back to sleep on my shoulder.

All day today I have had to hear about the fireworks.  How they went up high in the sky.  Went boom.  Were loud.  Were pretty. 

I'm so happy that he loved them.  My built up dreams were not shattered again.  And it was a really nice memory of holding both of my babies, with Aaron next to me, and listening to "God Bless the U.S.A." 

**I don't think you could have a fireworks display in Moapa Valley without that song being played

7.04.2012

Happy Fourth

Happy Independence Day everyone.

I am pleased to announce that for the first time, I will be taking my children to see the fireworks.  This is Cade's 3rd Independence Day and Jackson's 2nd.  They have never seen fireworks.

I know, sleep nazi right here.


**oh and learning how to make fireworks was one of the only jobs I remember that I could do with any sort of chemistry knowledge.  I knew 4 years of chemistry would come in handy.


7.01.2012

Americana Decor

I've come to a realization. 

I can leave anything U.S.A. related up from the middle of May until the middle of September. 

Then comes fall/Halloween.

Christmas.

Valentines.

Easter.

And then we're back to 4 months of red.white.and.blue.

But I have nothing red.white.and.blue.

To fix this little problem.  I started with this bad boy.


Free printable that I found on P-word

Then last night I made this: (only took about 3 hours.  With great conversation and laughs.  I admit, in large crowds I'm more of the listening type, but you need those too.  I'm an introvert, and do better in smaller groups or one-on-one scenarios).



Pardon the poor lighting.  When you get woken up at 5:30 in the morning, dawn light is the best you have.  

**I am aware that the drawer pull is missing.  I've been experimenting with different ones to see if I like them better or the original.

**if you zoom in, you'll see the sweet picture that Aaron drew for me.  It's Cade holding Jackson when Jackson was a newborn.  

**I don't like hanging my wreaths outside.  Then I never get to see them and take pride in what I made.

Tonight (man I'm on a roll)  I made this:


Right now, its sitting on my coffee table, because I need a centerpiece, but let's face it, its not going to stay there.  Cade thinks the coffee table is his.  Its a great road for trucks and a fabulous place to stand when catching or throwing a ball.  

**again, excuse the poor lighting.  When you live in a basement apartment, you suck it up and love the fluorescent lighting.  I can't wait til I live in a place with HUGE.GINORMOUS. windows and lots and lots of natural beautiful light (and lots and lots of money spent in a/c bills)